Confession post.

I don't know why this is a confession post or what I am confessing to, but just go with it. Let it happen.

So let me just say this, I'm not an idiot. Sure, I have my dumb, clumsy moments. Sure, I've been asked more times than I can count if blonde is my natural hair color. Sure, I've hit a parked car. Sure, I make stupid, brain-dead mistakes. But I'm no dummy. I'm actually a very observant person. I catch on to things that people don't sometimes realize. I know when something of mine has been stolen from my room or if something is not where I left it. I'm pretty good at reading people. I hear bits and pieces of conversations from across the room. I notice things. Sure, I sometimes don't acknowledge or act on my observations, especially if it's not necessary. But I catch a lot more than I think I am sometimes given credit for.

That being said, the last couple years I haven't been oblivious to my body and lifestyle changes. I'm the most observant person when it comes to my body. There's not anything you can tell me about my body that I don't already know. I know I have no butt. I know I have big feet. I know I have alien fingers. I know I have a mole on my right ring finger knuckle. I know I run funny. I know I have two similarly shaped birthmarks on the back of each of my legs. I know I need to re-shape my eyebrows. I know my abs could use some work. I know I have extremely bony knees. I know all that. It's my body. I'm aware of it. Here's a little fact about me: I've always been sensitive about comments that are made toward my weight or body image. Comments about my body image, like my feet or my big nose, or whatever, don't really get to me, because those are things I can't really change. So I don't really care. But when someone makes a comment about something that I have complete control over (i.e. my weight, my unibrow, my mumbling voice, etc), I try to hide the sting a little, because it makes me feel like a failure a little bit. Granted, I laugh about how I used to be fat, because, let's be honest, I looked like an ogre. And I'm not sensitive to the point where I've contemplated an eating disorder, or even a diet (ha), but I've always struggled with how my body looks. I don't think I've ever been really satisfied with my body. Throughout my life my body shape or image has never stayed consistent. I was a normal kid, then in middle school I got fat, then sophomore year I got super skinny, then I toned out, then I maintained a healthy weight, then I gained weight, etc etc etc. It's been a roller coaster. But here's the thing, up until about 2 years ago I led a very active lifestyle. From the time I was 4 when I started playing soccer, I did something active every day. If I wasn't playing an organized sport, I was outside with my siblings playing basketball or roller hockey or jumping on the trampoline or juggling my soccer ball or riding our bikes. I'll forever be grateful to my parents for making us play outside and introducing us to an active, healthy lifestyle at such a young age. Even when I got fat in middle school, I was super active. I played soccer, basketball, and volleyball during the school year, so I was playing a sport every day of the year. In the summers I did swim lessons with my siblings, volleyball or soccer camps. In high school I was constantly active. Even after high school, I had the opportunity to play a couple years of college ball. I had access to the gym or track practically whenever I wanted it. My teammates and I would go work out together during post-season. I was in really good shape.

When my sophomore year of college volleyball ended, I kind of hit a wall, physically. I didn't have any kind of practice or camp or early morning training to go to, for the first time in my life. My friends and ex-teammates and I were all busy with our new-found "grown-up" lives, so we couldn't ever find a consistent time to work out together. I got into a relationship. I was working full-time and going to school full-time. I lived with roommates. I hated sharing a kitchen so I rarely cooked for myself. Which meant eating out. I would stop and get fast food between school and work. My lifestyle completely changed. And here's the part where "I'm no dummy" comes in: I gained weight. Surprise surprise. I did, it's no secret. Everyone could see it, but of course no one said anything. My mom was nice about it, asking if I'd been running or whatever haha. But

no, I hadn't done anything in ages. Well, actually that's not true. I played volleyball here and there. I went to a few open gyms that my old college coach invited me to. I did Ragnar. Which I didn't train for at all (and I literally mean, AT ALL). So even though I ran two 10K's and a 5K within a 24 hour period, I don't count that. I just literally didn't do anything active. I think my saving grace from becoming obese was the fact that I ran around at work for 8 hours a day. (sidenote: during my period of intense physical inactivity, I DID gradually train myself to do a pull-up, at work nonetheless. I would try to do one every day on this bar we had in the warehouse, and eventually I did a perfect pull-up. After that I would do a pull-up every time I went into the warehouse. I give myself credit for that).

So there you have it folks, I've gained weight the last couple years. I've since lost some of it, but I'm still not where I want to be. I haven't talked about it with anyone really, not even Adam, who I was in a relationship with the whole time this was going down. Him and I would talk about working out together and whatnot, but I'm more of a solitary worker outer, or I work out with girls. It's a mental thing. Ha. But I really didn't even talk to him about it. I know he noticed, but he was nice enough not to say anything. Probably because he knew that I was aware of it. My family didn't really say anything about it. Last time I went home my mom did make the comment, "you've lost weight!" Oh, mother.

I've been telling myself since I stopped playing volleyball that I need to do something to stay active. I'd seen other former college athletes who now have kids and that sort of thing, who are just big. And round. And I don't want to be like that. I want to be a fit mom. I want to be able to go on bike rides with my kids. I want to be able to go running with my husband. And I've been telling myself forever that I'm going to get back in shape. My problem is, is I am a headcase. I

am. About everything. If I get something in my head, that's the only thing I focus on until I am satisfied with that or something changes my mind. For example, if I am jogging, and I think to myself, "oh shoot, my calves are really tight right now, I don't know how far I'll be able to run today." And I will start to contemplate when I am going to stop and turn around, until I think to myself, "hey, idiot. People don't get in shape by running a mile and stopping cuz their calves are tight." And then I tell myself that only panty-wastes stop running because their calves are tight. That sort of thing. Another example of why being a headcase is a major setback for me, is that if I have had a stressful day at work, or a long day, or whatever, I tell myself that it's okay to shower and go to bed at 7pm rather than get a quick jog in. And for that reason, I have never stayed consistent at exercising on my own.

And then I had an epiphany. A couple things I have recently discovered have led me to change my lifestyle. The first one is, a paraplegic moved next door to me a couple months ago. We finally have neighbors! Anyway, a paraplegic and his friend currently occupy the condo next to ours. His name is Jeremy, and he lives in a wheelchair. He is pretty young, I would guess in his late 20's. I have talked to him a few times, my roommate and I baked them cookies a couple weeks ago, he's real nice. But I can't help but feel bad for the guy. A lot of times when I'm leaving the house and walking to my car, I see him outside in his wheelchair, just cruising around, getting some sun. Other times, when I am walking into my house, I can see him through his window, just sitting in his chair reading a book. And I can't help but think, how boring of a life that must be. Not being able to use your legs at all, trapped in a chair for your entire life. I would literally go

crazy! That's insane. Seeing Jeremy and all that he CAN'T do, has inspired me to take advantage of what I CAN do. Using my legs, walking around, going for a jog.

The second thing that has led me to get back into an active lifestyle, is my current situation. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm single. I'm alone in a foreign town. I'm not in school right now. I work full-time. On top of that, I work a really weird, inconsistent schedule every week so I rarely have time to call up the few friends I have here and see what they're doing. My roommates and I are rarely all home together so we hardly spend any time together, and when we do it's just watching a movie at home or something. My car gets terrible gas mileage, and that combined with the outrageous gas prices, I have no desire or intention to take unnecessary trips to explore the town. So, I am sort of stuck in this little bubble right now. My days have been

routine. I go to work, come home, watch a TV show on my computer, shower, eat, go to bed. That kind of thing. I go to FHE most Mondays. But besides that, our institute or even just my ward doesn't do any bi-weekly or even monthly activities like Tucson does. So I have no church activities or anything like that to look forward to. I haven't really met any LDS people here because my ward is tiny and, like I said, I haven't heard about a single combined institute activity since I've been here, and one of my roommates is strongly against ward-hopping. So it's been kind of weird here, church-wise. So I haven't had a chance to go out much. I go shopping here and there by myself, but I'm sick of feeling lazy. A few months ago I realized that I want to develop new hobbies, or just get back into the old ones that I used to have. It gets boring being in a city where you don't know anyone besides coworkers and your roommates. I have a sewing machine that I've been wanting to put to use. I don't have a piano anymore. I haven't ridde

n my longboard in months, because I don't know anyone else who has one (trust me, I've asked around). I've played volleyball a couple times, talking to people about getting into a league with them, but my work schedule has prevented me from going back and getting details. So I haven't even played volleyball in months. So I decided, I have all this free time to myself after work. I'm not in school right now. I'm sort of a loner in this town. I'm not dating anyone. When I'm home, about 75% of the time I'm home alone. And, here's the real good part, I have a county rec center right down the street from my house. I've been telling myself for a few months that I would go get a membership to the gym there, because it's super cheap. I just had a hard time getting over there. But last week I actually did it. I've gone to the gym every day since I've had the

membership. Except Sunday, duh. I've also been eating a lot healthier. I haven't eaten out for at least a couple weeks, I can't even remember the last time, which is big for me. I've been on a fruit kick. I've been eating tons of apples, pears, oranges, bananas. And with that I've been eating a lot of lean proteins- egg whites, ham, chicken. And I'm excited. I'm excited to feel healthy again. I'm excited to be able look at pictures of myself and not think, "ugh, do I really look like that?" I'm excited about having to wash more clothes than just my work clothes. But mostly, I'm excited to get my body into shape again, and take advantage of the simple fact that I have the ability to be active. Because that's such a blessing. And whenever I have a hard time motivating myself to get up and go to the gym, or run just a few more minutes, this is what I think of:

And I don't wanna be the one just chillin' on the couch.